It is interesting how we feel like we are the only one with a certain trial until we start to talk. Peoples lives look perfect and we don't realize that there are other people that are dealing with the same situations.
Our situation is Jackson's weight. At 6 months he did not maintain a growth curve for his weight. Not a big deal I told myself because Tanner did the same thing at 9 months, but then regained a different curve. Well this turned out to not be the case with Jackson. It is hard to even remember all the things we have gone through trying to get him to gain weight. There was a time when I had to pump to add formula to my milk and then force him to take a bottle. This didn't seem to help and made it hard to go anywhere because I was always attached to a pump (poor dairy cows). Finally I decided this was not going to work and had to then convince him to nurse once again. He would do it, but not well. He started loving solids (I can barely remember this and it seems more like a dream) but after his surgery at 6 months he refused to eat any and everything. I would cry at every doctors appointment and if I even talked about his weight would then again break into tears. I was researching all the possibilities and keeping a detailed food log. I was stressed to say the least! Poor Tanner got the brunt end of this. If Jackson would eat we would have a good day, if he didn't... well watch out. Thank goodness for the quick forgiveness of a 2 year old.
I felt like a failure as a mother and that I was in some way responsible for him not eating. I would pray all the time and struggled with everything that I felt had been true. Things I had taught for 18 months as a missionary were now being questioned daily. I felt like my prayers were not heard or listened to. Then I realized that I had been praying for this trial to end and not for the strength to deal with it.
The past 2 months have been better. Jackson has medicine 2-4 times a day, powder that is added to his food, goes to the doctors every 2 weeks, and feeding therapist once a week. The funny thing is that he is so happy and energetic. Because of this when people would hear about this they wouldn't believe it and think I am crazy for all the stress it has added to our lives. It has been very humbling trying to not listen to what people say or imply. It has taught me that unless I am in the situation I have no idea what someone is going through.
I no longer cry at the appointments and I try to not let the never ending bowl of oatmeal determine my mood for the day.
Although we still don't know anything we are good. Tanner and Jackson are wonderful little boys that are extremely active and happy. I am blessed to have them and all the challenges that come with them. I thank my Father in Heaven for sending them to me to care for and love.